Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
You Might Also Like
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
At least my masseuse has my back.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.