Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
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Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Good morning.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse