even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
You Might Also Like
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Look Ma, no handle on things
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
NEW YORKERS: we need more housing
DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?
NEW YORKERS: no, real housing
DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.
NEW YORKERS:
DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
That’s not how days work.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that