Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
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Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”