Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
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Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
For the baby who has everything
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
Another day, another…goddammit
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
The Book. The Movie.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.