Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Just say no

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.