Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
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*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
