Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
My sex drive has a dui
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Ron is short for Aaronald
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”