Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS