Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Me trying to look natural in photos
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
the answer was staring at me all along
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will