Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
What a website
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.