Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
get you a girl who
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.