Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Has science gone too far?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.