Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌