Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Love is always patient and kind.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”