Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
*seductively eats two tums*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
live, laugh, laundry.