Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
No, YOUR illiterate.
Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone