Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
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america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else