Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.