Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.