Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
You Might Also Like
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
repaired
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
When your parents check you’re ok.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it