Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”

“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House