Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
You Might Also Like
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
May have had one breakfast too many
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.