Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
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Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Muppet Screams
synchronized noseblowing
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health