Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
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I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Its a hippotatomus
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: