Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
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I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Truth
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
back to work
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.