Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing

Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

bias laundering edition

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.