Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
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Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Name this drama.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*