Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

I’d use my best pan on you.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

Rooting for the overdog

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days