Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
#parenting
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle