Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

me linking you to my twitter

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

every college guy’s fridge

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?

Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.

I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.

this post was so formative to me

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!