Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
I get distracted pretty eas
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.