Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
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I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits