Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?
“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.