Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.