Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
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When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.