even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?