even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
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My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
calling in to work dehydrated
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
My Sentiments Exactly
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God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
when someone rings the doorbell
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
50 shades of grey = my Liver
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Labreador
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Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.