Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
How it started How it’s going
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.