Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Amazon is working on a “Carrie” TV series. Man, it’s about time Stephen King got one of his books adapted! It’s great to see his work finally getting a little recognition. Bravo to Amazon for being open to fresh ideas from new authors.