Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.