Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”

The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.

So that’s what we looked like?

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

Hoping to spice up my evening

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.