@Gowitty

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

You Might Also Like

@rkatz94

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

@mack44_d

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

@Awk0Tacoo

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

@DivorceDiva

I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

@shutupmikeginn

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

@1Happytwit

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@Brianhopecomedy

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask