Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
nice challenge
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try