Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone


Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.


My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…


Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?


I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience


Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?


After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.


What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”


Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?