Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”
M: Did NOT see that coming
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“Hi?” -First cow being milked