@Gowitty

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

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@TragicAllyHere

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

@notshivi

Everyone prepare yourself for National “How is it May already?” Day coming up tomorrow where people who don’t know how calendars work tweet.

@HelsNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the Zoo without me, he might see all his ex’s there…

@shutupmikeginn

Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.

LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@Iwriteforcats

Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?

@cheeky__gal

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

@BaneTheBOSS

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? “the Dark Knight Rises”

@AGreaterMonster

Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?