Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.