Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Too much insomnia causes caffeine.

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

*struts into the new year
~ trips

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.