evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Current mood: Potato
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Dishonest mechanic?
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.