Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
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sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
(more comics:
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….