Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
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You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.