Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
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An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too