At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
BETRAYAL
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
If you know, you know 😂🚔
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Who’s your best friend?
I have a new favorite meme page
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
the last thing a carrot sees
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk