Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
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*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?