Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.

I call it my trampoline stamp.

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.

Me: What are you doing?

Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!

Me:

Son: Hello fellow olds!

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

Cinematography is my passion

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

I think my mom just blocked me

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground