those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
That de-escalated quickly
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My circle of trust is a meatball
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I’m about to risk it all
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean