Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
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Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Who did it better?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.