Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
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If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.