Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?