Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

Your honor these allegations are

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

5: wow, you look so pretty

Me: thank yo—

5: with your sunglasses on

Me: am I pretty without them?

*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*

5: sure

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Some people are just better left alone.

In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*