Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!

cause of death:
autopsy.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

The Sun’s probably Asian.

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.