Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
This classic never gets old . . .
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
favorite tropes as memes
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all