Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
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I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.