Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

good for her

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….