Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
You Might Also Like
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
