Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
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“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*