Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
🔦🌙👣
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate