Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

thinking about a very short hotdog

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.