Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
i smell a pulitzer
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.