Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

ME: *peeing in the ocean*

WIFE: at least go in past your waist

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”

THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

LOOOOOOL

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

ㅤㅤ

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”