Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now

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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back


Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”


the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT


It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.


REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.


If you think my laughter is infectious, you should try having unprotected sex with me.


Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.


When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding