Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LuvPug

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

@itweetmaya

If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.

This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.

@YourMomsucksTho

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.

@PRIDEofLOWELL

“I lost my Khakis”

– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.

@dafloydsta

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

@WineMummy

It’s perfectly acceptable to put on a hockey mask and chase someone today.

@dullandwicked

I need a new hobby, like archery or heroin.

@oxygenplug

Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours

@PyrBliss

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.