These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now
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If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.
This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
*takes plate of fries with me*
It’s perfectly acceptable to put on a hockey mask and chase someone today.
I need a new hobby, like archery or heroin.
Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.