@somelightcrying

Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now

You Might Also Like

@patnspankme

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

@GuyThe_Guy

Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”

@davidmackau

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

@TomSchally

It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.

@JillianKarger

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

@buhsbaby_baby

If you think my laughter is infectious, you should try having unprotected sex with me.

@elunatyk

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

@adamgreattweet

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding