If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now
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weird that we call it “ghosting” when literally ghosts whole thing is that they won’t leave
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…
“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now