Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.