Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

#math

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

is this store having a stroke wtf

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

[sees annoying coworker at store]

Him: Hey, what’s new?

Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora