Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
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ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Catercrombie & Fish
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”