Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
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Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
live, laugh, laundry.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.