Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen

*Re-arranges the dishwasher.

barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

Bed should get ready for ME

Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

Me: can I get a Coke please

Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here

Me: how about a lemonade then

Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here

[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Me too, bag. Me too….

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.