Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]

Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

[driving test]
me: did I pass?

driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person