Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night