ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Reporter: *ports again*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
#Caturday
