ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
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Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
Me: I don’t wanna
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
aiming to be more of a grinch this christmas (exclusively hanging out with my dog and complaining when the neighbors get too loud)
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin